I’m sitting here waiting for my firmware to update...

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EmmaEmma Clarke is a leading female voiceover and comedy/drama writer. She voices all kinds of things from advertisements to radio identity packages – but is best known as the ‘voice of the London Underground’.

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I’m sitting here waiting for my firmware to update...

Wednesday
May 28 2008

 

I’d be lost without my firmware.  All hell’d break loose.  I wouldn’t be able to record my audio into my computer which, obviously, would make the world stop, the trees shrivel and all the wildlife in the Serengeti would fall over.  So I’m watching the little lights on my external soundcard wink at me frantically and I’m hoping something is actually happening.  I hope it’s not just a software hoax in the form of a desktop light show.

A yen for her voice…

A correspondent wrote to me to tell me about this story. 

Briefly, this is a story about a female voiceover whose voice became the obsession of one man.  She was the on-hold voice for a food company in Japan and this bloke rang the toll-free line enough times to cost the company 4 MILLION YEN.   And in the process he spent 3,100 hours calling the phone line.

This story raises many, many questions. 

Did the man get Repetitive Strain Injury from the constant dialing?

Did his family realize something was going on??  Saying, “I’m just on the phone, love!” for 3,100 hours could easily become a threadbare excuse for not doing the washing up.

Did he ever find out the true identity of the female voice in question?

And what THE HELL was she saying that he found so alluring??

All we know is that this was ‘a food company’ so I’m guessing she was saying stuff like: “Press one for dry goods, press two for frozen food, press 3 for fresh produce…” Maybe that was it!  Maybe he really liked the way she said “fresh.”  I, for one, am intrigued.  And a bit scared. 

Because when your voice is out there, you have no idea what people are doing with it…

Eurovision

I don’t know about you but I love Eurovision.  Me and my friends get together for a party, we prepare delicacies from far-flung corners of Europe, we make flags, we have a small sweepstake and we sing along with the ridiculous Euro lyrics.  We were wondering the other evening who could possibly take the mantle from the mighty Sir Terry Wogan and my mates and I concluded that Eurovision should one day be commentated by Jeremy Clarkson and James May, the erstwhile presenters of Top Gear. Someone should start a campaign.

For the record, actually, if Jeremy Clarkson ever reads this, I’d love to cock around with cars.  Jeremy, if ever you want a girl presenter to help you out, please let me have a go.  Forget for a moment that a) I’m a girl and b) I’m a vegetarian and embrace the possibility.  Shut your eyes and I’ll even talk to you in my Kristin Scott Thomas voice, if you like.  But please, please, let me do something terrible to a Clio.

 

4 comments · add a comment · this blog is moderated

Emma Clarke takes no responsibility for any comments below, as these do not necessarily represent her views.

Martin Beeby
29 May 2008 at 03:14

I hate Eurovision. Why don't they have a huge phone vote rather than all the stupid in-voting that goes on.


Sarah
30 May 2008 at 02:23

Have you seen this story? Formula 'secret of perfect voice' http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7426923.stm


Rammi
31 May 2008 at 03:06

Forget everyone else, I want to present Eurovision! ... Well, a girl can dream, can't they?


Sarah
09 June 2008 at 04:48

Have you seen this story? Formula 'secret of perfect voice' http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7426923.stm